Extra Nonsense

EXTRA NONSENSE HAS A NEW HOME!

2011-01-03T13:17:00.001-08:00

Extra Nonsense will now appear on the Back of the Net website at: http://backofthenet.markwatsonthecomedian.com/category/extravagant-nonsense/

Or you can follow us on Twitter at: http://twitter.com/extranonsense

Ireland feels everyone is watching what it puts in the fridge

2010-11-30T10:21:00.000-08:00

A couple of days after EU ministers finalised details of Ireland's financial bailout, the Emerald Isle has complained of 'feeling it can't buy anything nice without getting a look'.

After running into a slight cash flow problem, Ireland was forced to accept a £72bn aid package despite initially claiming there was no need as it was 'due for a break' and 'had a good feeling about December.'

Although the money has been a relief for Ireland, it has been forced to repeatedly stress its gratitude while other EU nations ruffle its hair and say things like 'share the wealth, I always say.'

And Ireland's patience is wearing thin after getting 'a real look' from France after investing in some M&S mozzarella this afternoon.

"It's not that France said anything, it was just obvious what it was thinking: that's my money you're spending on high-end cheese," the ailing nation lamented.

"But it's like 80p more than Tesco and theirs is seriously bland. I just feel like it was really nice to lend us the money but you can't keep making us feel guilty."

Things are likely to reach boiling point this weekend when Ireland plans to go to a day spa for some pampering after its recent traumatic period.

Police spot Google Street View criminals plotting crime using Google Street View

2010-11-24T11:51:00.000-08:00

A gang who used Google Street View to scout properties to burgle have been apprehended after police located them on Google Street View.

Google Street View was launched in May 2007 to allow internet users to look at a satellite image of their house and some of their friends' houses before becoming bored.

The noble intentions of the site have been jeopardised by recent reports of thieves using the service to size up potential break-ins, but now it seems that Street View can be a force for good.

West Yorkshire police today reported that a gang that used Google Street View to plan a robbery of a property in Bradford have been caught thanks to images of them using Google Street View to plan the robbery.

"It's a landmark day in policing," West Yorkshire police chief Sir Norman Bettison told Extra Nonsense.

"We had heard rumours that a group was targeting vulnerable properties using Google Street View, so we had a little look around and found five men huddled around a computer on Naysmith Road.

"Looking a little closer we could see that they were looking at Street View and had a piece of paper in front of them with 'Houses to Rob' written on it. Five weeks later we decided to act and now the men are in custody."

Google have made it clear that homeowners can have their property blurred on Street View. However, they have been keen to stress that neither Street View nor the upcoming Unlocked Back Door Locator service poses a security risk to the public.

500th extrasolar planet is 'pretty much the same as 8th, 35th, 167th, 245th, 376th, 411th, 489th'

2010-11-23T11:36:00.000-08:00

Jaded scientists announce discovery of 'another fucking useless ball of gas'

French astronomers have sulkily declared the discovery of the 500th planet outside our solar system, but warned that it's 'nothing to write home about.'

Since the beginning of time, man has yearned to find an intellectually superior alien civilisation and be destroyed by it.

This dream has faded somewhat in recent years as the search for intelligent life has gone further and further afield. The latest discovery lies around 150 light years away and can't even be considered commutable from Jupiter.

While scientists have managed to remain positive for decades, the hard work in locating an endless string of identical, unreachable, uninhabitable planets seems to have finally taken its toll.

"We are proud to announce the discovery of the 500th planet outside our solar system," Jean Schneider of the Paris-Meudon Observatory began this afternoon.

"Well, I say that but actually we couldn't be more ambivalent to it. You know the story by now; big old ball of gas, fucking long way away, no aliens, no point. You remember the 8th, 35th, 167th, 245th, 376th, 411th and 489th extrasolar planets? Same thing.

"And you know what, it's no oil painting either. Ugly bastard is No. 500. It's not like the good old days of Pluto and Neptune. Now those are planets you wouldn't mind being locked in an orbit cycle with," Schneider concluded gyrating bawdily.

Surly scientists stopped naming extrasolar planets after the 345th (Bruce) located in the constellation of Octans.

Bieber mortality brings relief to masses

2010-11-22T01:25:00.000-08:00

The general public has received a huge boost today with the news that Justin Bieber shares the anatomical characteristics of a regular adult male, meaning his life expectancy is finite.

Weasel-faced scrote Bieber was allowed ingress to the pop world when he was championed by bland, Edgar-Alan Poe-influenced R&B halfwit Usher, who found him secreted in a box of bananas delivered as his pre-gig rider [pictured] and has since become a sex symbol for girls 10 years short of understanding what sex is and that Bieber will be no good at it.

Bieber's grizzly rise has brought agony to innocent people across the world with the Canadian nuisance recently heading NME's Top 100 People You Would Like To See Sent The Wrong Way On The Metropolitan Line (You Know, All The Way To Amersham Or Somewhere Instead of Baker Street).

But today there is a tangible air of relief as doctors have confirmed that Bieber bears the anatomical traits of a male human and will in all probability die at the age of 75.6.

The revelation has brought hope to millions, who now know that they only have to survive until July 6, 2069 to enjoy a Bieber-free existence.

However, some scientists believe that Bieber's disintegration is progressing slower than the effects of global warming and predict that Bieber will be present to sing a lounge version of 'Baby' at an end of civilisation party hosted by Cliff Richard.

Wheelie suitcase makes life significantly better for owner, worse for others

2010-11-19T01:58:00.001-08:00

Financial analyst Laura Keane is raving about her new wheelie suitcase, but fellow commuters at Victoria Station this morning were somewhat less enthusiastic.

Keane, 31, was travelling to Vienna from Gatwick Airport for a work conference and decided to invest in a wheelie suitcase after months of struggling with a heavy shoulder bag.

While Laura couldn't keep the smile off her face as she eased her way across the main concourse at Victoria in the morning rush hour, other commuters weren't enjoying her new purchase as much.

Simon Blakely, rushing to make his train to Harrogate for a bi-annual pig-feed consortium, referred to the wonder case as a 'fucking piece of shit' as he came close to tripping over the trailing bag while making a sharp turn to head for Platform 6.

Blakely would eventually make his train but cites the slow-moving wheelie suitcase as one of the reasons for getting a poor seat, just metres away from the noisy sliding-door of the toilet.

Claire Piraz was also aggravated as Miss Keane's wave of vexation continued. After three aborted attempts to go round the suitcase that nearly resulted in disaster, Piraz settled for walking at a frustratingly slow pace behind the offending bag occasionally sighing almost loud enough to be heard.

Despite the naysayers, Keane was heard on the phone to her boyfriend on the Gatwick Express dubbing the new bag 'a godsend' and remarking that she 'didn't know why it took me so long to get one.' This news will come as a big blow to Blakely and Piraz, who are yet to comment.

Obama desperate to shut Guantanamo Bay after terrible feedback forms

2010-11-18T14:00:00.000-08:00

Angry US President Barack Obama is on the brink of closing down the Guantanamo Bay detainment facility after feedback forms revealed that nearly 75 percent of inmates wouldn't recommend the camp to a friend travelling to the region.

The semi-legal holding facility was built in 2002 to allow the Bush Administration to keep people locked up indefinitely while they worked out whether they had actually done anything wrong.

President Obama plans to move the prison to Illinois after being stung by terrible recent reviews of the camp.

The food at Guantanamo was rated as 'moderate', but service was slated as 'disappointing' and decor was overwhelmingly said to be 'poor'.

Other inmates felt aggrieved at broken promises after reading the camp's glossy pamphlet.

"There's no wi-fi access, my room is small and dingy and waterboarding was not at all what I expected it to be," one prisoner raged.

"I'm getting daily beatings, harassment and degradation, but I just feel I'd get the same thing if I went to live in Alabama."

Guantanamo Bay currently ranks #280 of 282 hotels, B&Bs and torture camps on Trip Advisor.

Royals urged to have 'nice registry office wedding'

2010-11-17T03:26:00.000-08:00

There is growing pressure on Prince William to avoid spending taxpayers' money on his upcoming wedding to Kate Middleton by settling for a ceremony at the register office in Slough and a 'small do' at the nearby Black Swan pub.

While the bill for Prince Charles and Diana's wedding in 1981 ran into the millions, the recent economic downturn has left the nation less willing to fund other people's nuptials, even if they belong to a now-obsolete ruling family.

Rumours suggest that William has taken the public's mood on board and already begun to make enquiries at the Slough register office where every wedding comes with a six-pack of Carlsberg.

The mooted venue for the glamorous reception is the Black Swan pub where owner Ken has promised to put on 'a lovely spread', including but not limited to sausage rolls, cheese and pineapple on a stick and cheese footballs if he can find them in Lidl.

Prince Phillip has already made a start on his speech with sources reporting that the 89-year-old has some 'killer material'.

While taxpayers may not be expected to foot the entire cost of the wedding, it looks likely that they will be expected to give a wedding gift. The royals have set up a gift list on John Lewis' website with 26,765,211 items. The set of kitchen towels and pyrex punch bowl have already been snapped up.

ITV execs watch Channel 4 at 5pm, come up with great new idea for show

2010-11-15T03:53:00.001-08:00

ITV execs have revealed that the idea for new show 'Dinner Date' developed organically while watching Channel 4's 'Come Dine With Me' - an existing, identical and superior programme.

Four years of extensive focus groups commissioned by ITV recently revealed that humans have an attachment to food with over 80 percent admitting they have eaten in the last 10 days or are planning to eat in the near future.

This knowledge has led to an explosion in the number of cookery shows on TV. There are currently 400 food-based programmes, while there are plans to shoehorn low-level cookery into traditionally non-food based shows, such as Newsnight and Songs of Praise.

The BBC's experiment with Catch of the Day last Saturday was hailed as a great success with Mark Lawrenson's Spanish-style Hake and Shellfish Stew rustled together during an indictment of Manchester City's profligate strike force rated a particular highlight.

Keen to get in on the act, ITV chiefs were asked to look for a fresh approach and to come up with a novel cookery show. After a half-hour long meeting held at 5pm on a Friday evening in front of a TV tuned to Channel 4, the concept of 'Dinner Date' was created.

The treatment was immediately given the green light by the same astute commissioning chiefs who agreed to place 'Im a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here' and 'Celebrity Juice'.

At just 21 words, the treatment was shorter than average but significantly longer than the successful pitch for 'The Only Way Is Essex.'

"You know that show 'Come Dine With Me'? Well, this is basically that but there's sort of some dating and stuff," it reads.

ITV are said to be thrilled by the show's early ratings and an insider has revealed that they have high hopes for another programme where a group of contestants are placed inside a house and TV cameras monitor them 24-hours a day with one evicted every week by public vote.

House-clearance vase raises £43m, pretty serviceable pool table find overshadowed

2010-11-12T03:31:00.000-08:00

The British media are enthusiastically reporting the £43m sale of a an 18th-century Chinese vase found in a house clearing in Pinner, but the antique's former owners feel the rest of the day's discoveries have been skirted over.

The brother and sister who inherited the vase today issued a statement in which they described their shock at the vast value of the vase and disappointment at the poor performance of other items in yesterday's auction at Bainbridges.

"We were obviously over the moon that the vase went for over £40m. I think it's fair to say we had expected much less than that. We'd had the vase up on Gumtree for a few weeks at significantly less than that and had no calls," the statement begins.

"But on the other hand we found a really decent old pool table that only needs a little work and that only raised £60. We thought it deserved much more, if you sand down the back legs a little it'll play fine. I've seen worse tables go for £150 even £200,

"We were pretty excited when we found a sandwich toaster that had hardly been used and a bag of pogs, but they've barely sold for anything, so obviously that's taken the shine off things a little."

The bid of £43m for the vase was nearly 100 times the estimated value pre-auction prompting concerns that it may be fraudulent. However, the buyer has reassured Bainbridges that he is 'good for the money' and will pay 'in a bit once the old cash flow situation eases off.'

Police amazed as pissed off mob cause damage to things

2010-11-11T08:38:00.000-08:00

The Met Police were completely caught off guard yesterday as a mob of angry students, quite angry students and fans of smashing sounds ran amok at the Conservatives' HQ, breaking windows, burning placards and de-alphabetising a stack of folders.

About 30,000 people marched in London to protest against the government's decision to lift the cap on university tuition fees to £9,000 - a move that would deny higher education to anyone not in possession of a Jack Wills cardigan.

Many students felt aggrieved at having backed the Liberal Democrats in the General Election on the basis of their promise not to raise tuition fees; a promise that Nick Clegg has insisted shouldn't be taken seriously because 'nobody ever thought the Lib Dems would actually get in.'

A splinter faction of rioters went in search of the Lib Dem HQ, but were unable to find it after several hours of trekking around Westminster with an iPhone.

The protest initially went off peacefully, but police were aghast when a group of around 2,000 began to hurl missiles at Conservative HQ at 30 Millbank.

"Whoever heard of students getting rowdy and smashing things," policing minister Nick Herbert lamented. "I'd specifically told the Met Police not to expect any trouble."

Reports from Conservative HQ have estimated the damage at around £50,000, mostly in bland mid-priced European art, but the devastation goes much deeper than that.

"The rioters turned over several folders of documents that had been agonisingly put in alphabetical order," an insider told Extra Nonsense.

"It looks like we were lucky because A through G has stayed relatively intact, but H to R is a disaster zone."

Nearby MI5 even had to lock its doors, a rare security measure for the nation's counter-intelligence and security service.

Policing chief Nick Herbert met with criticism earlier this year when he refused to send officers to deal with a bull in a Twickenham china shop, stating that 'it looked like a reasonable chap.'

Berlusconi warned: Next time it won't be a model

2009-12-15T02:14:00.000-08:00

Renowned Italian bikini contest judge / Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi has been warned by protestors that Sunday's attack using a model of Milan Cathedral was merely a scaled-down dress rehearsal...

Italy has a love-hate relationship with Berlusconi. While the crooked, lecherous, bigoted political mastermind is accused by many of trying to create a dictatorship in Italy, the nation's media (which is owned by Berlusconi) portray him in a much more favourable light.

Tempers flared as Berlusconi [pictured leering at a model] was heckled by anti-Berlusconi protestors in Milan on Sunday before have-a-go hero Massimo Tartaglia launched a model of Milan Cathedral straight into the wannabe-despot's face.

Spokesmen for the Italian government have labelled Tartaglia "one disturbed individual" and assured the pubic that "Mr Berlusconi will return to debasing the world's image of Italy within days" but an anonymous protestor told Extra Nonsense that the attack was the tip of the iceberg.

"This was a warning - next time we will hit him with the actual Cathedral," an insider told us.

"Massimo's success has shown us beyond reasonable doubt that we can hit Mr Berlusconi squarely between the chops with the 515-foot landmark."

More conservative anti-Berlusconi protestors are worried that destroying the beloved Duomo, which took nearly 500 years to build, may hurt the movement's popularity, but our insider believes it is necessary collateral damage.

"Sure, it's a shame," he shrugged. "But let's be honest, we could've had that thing up in 50 years if it we'd worked Saturdays, Sundays, between 12 and 3 or Monday or Friday afternoons."

'Hilarious' guy from accounts actually has bleak existence

2009-12-11T01:32:00.000-08:00

Ask anyone on the fourth floor of Ryman House in Crewe who their favourite comedian is and you won't get the usual answer...

They won't say Jimmy Carr, they won't say Peter Kay, they won't even say Mark Watson. That's because they have their own comedy idol living amongst them in Kevin Hodge.

Since 2002, when Hodge joined Ryman from Staples, the accounting services human resources managerial technician has been wowing board rooms and water-cooler gatherings alike with his fractured take on company life.

"He's just hilarious," Kelly Adams guffawed. "I don't know where he comes up with this stuff, but he cracks us all up.

"He does this impression of our deputy manager Tanya where he talks really fast because she talks quite fast. Actually I think she might have a speech problem but, oh, you have to see it."

But once the laughter fades and Kevin returns home to his studio flat off Nantwich Road his daily routine is far from the rock-and-roll lifestyle you would expect.

"To be honest I'm finding things a bit tough," the gifted wordsmith admitted with a sigh.

"I spend between four and five hours every evening running over new material and getting it smooth enough for the next day.

"I can't sleep until I'm sure I have at least a tight five for the morning coffee break and if there's a training seminar the next day I'll pull an all-nighter.

"It's actually a horribly depressing life. I'm not sure how much longer I can carry on like this and if I have to do another fucking Tanya impression I'll probably hurt myself and others."

Queen to mime Christmas speech to allow for break dance routine

2009-12-10T01:28:00.000-08:00

Sources at Buckingham Palace have revealed that the Queen is planning to lip-synch this year's Christmas Speech in order to debut a series of 'retarded dance moves'.

The Queen's Speech used to regularly win the Christmas Day ratings war but the Palace is still smarting from losing out to 'Animals Do The Funniest Things At Christmas' in 2008.

And whispers from sources close to the royal family suggest that HRH is ready to redress the slide in popularity with a B-boy spectacular.

"Usually her majesty favours a sedate approach but she's spent the last 12 months in training and she has every intention of busting out some sick moves," an insider told Extra Nonsense.

"I've seen the routine - it's mostly floorwork but there's a couple of windmills in there and it ends with a crazy suicide. After this speech people will look at the Queen very differently."

US 'no closer to finding Bin Laden' despite Oprah appearance

2009-12-09T04:54:00.000-08:00

The top US commander in Afghanistan has admitted that he 'hasn't the faintest idea' where Osama Bin Laden is just hours after the al-Qaeda leader gave the clearest indication yet of his whereabouts by appearing on the Oprah Winfrey Show...

Beardy evil man Bin Laden has been in hiding for eight years during which time the US has waged war on terror and beards. Despite displacing the Taliban and capturing Justin-Lee Collins, the primary objective remains at large.

That seemed likely to change when Bin Laden's agent surprised many by signing his reclusive client up for an interview with forthright TV mainstay Oprah in Chicago on Sunday.

After some early jeers, Bin Laden charmed Oprah and the crowd before performing a duet with Taylor Swift, but then he seemed to disappear into thin air.

"We certainly had a read on Bin Laden's whereabouts last Sunday," General Stanley McChrystal admitted with a sigh.

"We were all waiting outside Harpo Studios but he must have slipped out with that entourage of his.

"Now, if it had been Miss Swift we were there to kill it would have been a different matter. The truth is Bin Laden could be anywhere but if he goes on Jimmy Kimmel we'll get him."

White chocolate (1931-2009)

2009-12-08T02:47:00.000-08:00

After nearly 80 years of disappointment, white chocolate has officially been disbanded following a unanimous vote at yesterday's Annual Chocolatiers' Symposium in Inverness...

It was a sombre day for confectioners across the globe who were left to wonder what might have been, but the motion to terminate white chocolate as of January 1, 2010 passed without opposition.

When white chocolate first appeared commercially in the 1940s it caused quite a stir, largely due to its significantly different colouring from regulation chocolate but in part thanks to its unique tang.

White chocolate never managed to step out of the shadow of the more successful milk chocolate.

Swiss chocolatiers confidently predicted that milk chocolate would be completely replaced by 1960 but white chocolate struggled to live up to the hype and often had to settle for minor roles as a cheesecake topping or variety pack mainstay.

By the late 1990s, white chocolate's popularity had waned to the point where a damaging stigma was attached to being seen eating it.

Newspapers ran regular reports of unprovoked attacks on white chocolate eaters and a survey in The Sun in March 2007 indicated that 65% of readers felt that white chocolate eaters shouldn't be allowed to adopt children.

By 2010 it was estimated that just 7 white chocolate bars would be sold in the calendar year, prompting the chocolate industry's leaders to pull the plug after a dispiriting 78 years.

Only nine Cadbury Dream bars were ever sold, sounding the death knell for white chocolate.

The collapse of white chocolate has left a gaping void in the industry but rumours suggest that milk and plain chocolate will be challenged by 'blue chocolate', which is under construction at Nestle.

BBC spends £6m per year keeping Forsyth alive

2009-12-07T00:47:00.000-08:00

An independent audit of the BBC has discovered that just over £6m of annual license fee money is invested in prolonging the life of bawdy national treasure Bruce Forsyth...

Forsyth made his TV debut in the early 1960s at the age of 40 and, bafflingly, is still going strong, presenting Strictly Come Dancing with northern mannequin Tess Daly.

But the murky truth of Forsyth's improbable longevity is starting to emerge after a team of auditors discovered a top-secret file at Television Centre labelled 'The Forsyth Plan'.

It has come to light that an elaborate mechanical system has been installed in the Strictly Come Dancing studio to rotate the entire set around Forsyth, making the nonagenarian appear to be dancing when in fact he is motionless.

After each Saturday and Sunday show, Forsyth is then cryogenically frozen before being thawed on Friday evening in time to cast his experienced eye over the threadbare script for the weekend.

These alarming discoveries go some way to explaining the unpleasant events of Saturday's show when Forsyth seemed to be shivering and melting as he botched the 965th rendition of his Dickensian catchphrase 'Nice to see you, to see you nice', only managing to mutter 'Ice' several times.

"We just don't have a replacement lined up," a BBC insider told Extra Nonsense. "Amazingly, Bruce is still the best the BBC has got and we expect him to be presenting Strictly long after he passes away - we have the facilities to do that."

X-Factor semi-finalists 'confused and upset' at Crash Test Dummies week

2009-12-04T05:35:00.001-08:00

The remaining contestants in this year's X-Factor are reeling from the news that this weekend's show will be Crash Test Dummies Week, requiring them to perform two numbers by the forgotten Canadian folk/rock band...

After hours of tense discussions, X-Factor bosses snubbed Abba and Michael Jackson in favour of Winnipeg's Crash Test Dummies, who were famous for around six weeks in 1993.

The announcement left contestants desperately trawling London record shops for copies of 'God Shuffled His Feet' and 1998's US chart No 78 album 'A Worm's Life'.

Dannii Minogue moved quickly to reserve impossibly deep-voiced Uk No 2 hit 'Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm' for Stacey Solomon, leaving Cheryl Cole to pounce on 'The Ballad of Peter Pumpkinhead', which was briefly featured in the film Dumb & Dumber, on behalf of inoffensive housewives' choice Joe McElderry.

As yet, Simon Cowell is keeping his cards close to his chest. However, there are rumours that the square-headed billionaire, who successfully invented the film 'Gummo' earlier in the series, has coerced the Crash Test Dummies into hurriedly releasing a secret album of Michael Jackson covers to provide his contestants Olly Murs and Danyl Johnson with standard X-Factor fare.

The choice of guests for the Sunday results show may also attract criticism after ITV announced they were 'delighted to have secured Chumbawamba' and were talking to 'one of the very best bands in Bradford'.