An independent audit of the BBC has discovered that just over £6m of annual license fee money is invested in prolonging the life of bawdy national treasure Bruce Forsyth...Forsyth made his TV debut in the early 1960s at the age of 40 and, bafflingly, is still going strong, presenting Strictly Come Dancing with northern mannequin Tess Daly.
But the murky truth of Forsyth's improbable longevity is starting to emerge after a team of auditors discovered a top-secret file at Television Centre labelled 'The Forsyth Plan'.
It has come to light that an elaborate mechanical system has been installed in the Strictly Come Dancing studio to rotate the entire set around Forsyth, making the nonagenarian appear to be dancing when in fact he is motionless.
After each Saturday and Sunday show, Forsyth is then cryogenically frozen before being thawed on Friday evening in time to cast his experienced eye over the threadbare script for the weekend.
These alarming discoveries go some way to explaining the unpleasant events of Saturday's show when Forsyth seemed to be shivering and melting as he botched the 965th rendition of his Dickensian catchphrase 'Nice to see you, to see you nice', only managing to mutter 'Ice' several times.
"We just don't have a replacement lined up," a BBC insider told Extra Nonsense. "Amazingly, Bruce is still the best the BBC has got and we expect him to be presenting Strictly long after he passes away - we have the facilities to do that."
You know what, I suspected this - I'm pretty sure his trouser legs were a bit damp round the cuffs on the last show.
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