Tuesday, 30 November 2010

Ireland feels everyone is watching what it puts in the fridge

A couple of days after EU ministers finalised details of Ireland's financial bailout, the Emerald Isle has complained of 'feeling it can't buy anything nice without getting a look'.

After running into a slight cash flow problem, Ireland was forced to accept a £72bn aid package despite initially claiming there was no need as it was 'due for a break' and 'had a good feeling about December.'

Although the money has been a relief for Ireland, it has been forced to repeatedly stress its gratitude while other EU nations ruffle its hair and say things like 'share the wealth, I always say.'

And Ireland's patience is wearing thin after getting 'a real look' from France after investing in some M&S mozzarella this afternoon.

"It's not that France said anything, it was just obvious what it was thinking: that's my money you're spending on high-end cheese," the ailing nation lamented.

"But it's like 80p more than Tesco and theirs is seriously bland. I just feel like it was really nice to lend us the money but you can't keep making us feel guilty."

Things are likely to reach boiling point this weekend when Ireland plans to go to a day spa for some pampering after its recent traumatic period.

Wednesday, 24 November 2010

Police spot Google Street View criminals plotting crime using Google Street View

A gang who used Google Street View to scout properties to burgle have been apprehended after police located them on Google Street View.

Google Street View was launched in May 2007 to allow internet users to look at a satellite image of their house and some of their friends' houses before becoming bored.

The noble intentions of the site have been jeopardised by recent reports of thieves using the service to size up potential break-ins, but now it seems that Street View can be a force for good.

West Yorkshire police today reported that a gang that used Google Street View to plan a robbery of a property in Bradford have been caught thanks to images of them using Google Street View to plan the robbery.

"It's a landmark day in policing," West Yorkshire police chief Sir Norman Bettison told Extra Nonsense.

"We had heard rumours that a group was targeting vulnerable properties using Google Street View, so we had a little look around and found five men huddled around a computer on Naysmith Road.

"Looking a little closer we could see that they were looking at Street View and had a piece of paper in front of them with 'Houses to Rob' written on it. Five weeks later we decided to act and now the men are in custody."

Google have made it clear that homeowners can have their property blurred on Street View. However, they have been keen to stress that neither Street View nor the upcoming Unlocked Back Door Locator service poses a security risk to the public.

Tuesday, 23 November 2010

500th extrasolar planet is 'pretty much the same as 8th, 35th, 167th, 245th, 376th, 411th, 489th'

Jaded scientists announce discovery of 'another fucking useless ball of gas'

French astronomers have sulkily declared the discovery of the 500th planet outside our solar system, but warned that it's 'nothing to write home about.'

Since the beginning of time, man has yearned to find an intellectually superior alien civilisation and be destroyed by it.

This dream has faded somewhat in recent years as the search for intelligent life has gone further and further afield. The latest discovery lies around 150 light years away and can't even be considered commutable from Jupiter.

While scientists have managed to remain positive for decades, the hard work in locating an endless string of identical, unreachable, uninhabitable planets seems to have finally taken its toll.

"We are proud to announce the discovery of the 500th planet outside our solar system," Jean Schneider of the Paris-Meudon Observatory began this afternoon.

"Well, I say that but actually we couldn't be more ambivalent to it. You know the story by now; big old ball of gas, fucking long way away, no aliens, no point. You remember the 8th, 35th, 167th, 245th, 376th, 411th and 489th extrasolar planets? Same thing.

"And you know what, it's no oil painting either. Ugly bastard is No. 500. It's not like the good old days of Pluto and Neptune. Now those are planets you wouldn't mind being locked in an orbit cycle with," Schneider concluded gyrating bawdily.

Surly scientists stopped naming extrasolar planets after the 345th (Bruce) located in the constellation of Octans.

Monday, 22 November 2010

Bieber mortality brings relief to masses

The general public has received a huge boost today with the news that Justin Bieber shares the anatomical characteristics of a regular adult male, meaning his life expectancy is finite.

Weasel-faced scrote Bieber was allowed ingress to the pop world when he was championed by bland, Edgar-Alan Poe-influenced R&B halfwit Usher, who found him secreted in a box of bananas delivered as his pre-gig rider [pictured] and has since become a sex symbol for girls 10 years short of understanding what sex is and that Bieber will be no good at it.

Bieber's grizzly rise has brought agony to innocent people across the world with the Canadian nuisance recently heading NME's Top 100 People You Would Like To See Sent The Wrong Way On The Metropolitan Line (You Know, All The Way To Amersham Or Somewhere Instead of Baker Street).

But today there is a tangible air of relief as doctors have confirmed that Bieber bears the anatomical traits of a male human and will in all probability die at the age of 75.6.

The revelation has brought hope to millions, who now know that they only have to survive until July 6, 2069 to enjoy a Bieber-free existence.

However, some scientists believe that Bieber's disintegration is progressing slower than the effects of global warming and predict that Bieber will be present to sing a lounge version of 'Baby' at an end of civilisation party hosted by Cliff Richard.

Friday, 19 November 2010

Wheelie suitcase makes life significantly better for owner, worse for others

Financial analyst Laura Keane is raving about her new wheelie suitcase, but fellow commuters at Victoria Station this morning were somewhat less enthusiastic.

Keane, 31, was travelling to Vienna from Gatwick Airport for a work conference and decided to invest in a wheelie suitcase after months of struggling with a heavy shoulder bag.

While Laura couldn't keep the smile off her face as she eased her way across the main concourse at Victoria in the morning rush hour, other commuters weren't enjoying her new purchase as much.

Simon Blakely, rushing to make his train to Harrogate for a bi-annual pig-feed consortium, referred to the wonder case as a 'fucking piece of shit' as he came close to tripping over the trailing bag while making a sharp turn to head for Platform 6.

Blakely would eventually make his train but cites the slow-moving wheelie suitcase as one of the reasons for getting a poor seat, just metres away from the noisy sliding-door of the toilet.

Claire Piraz was also aggravated as Miss Keane's wave of vexation continued. After three aborted attempts to go round the suitcase that nearly resulted in disaster, Piraz settled for walking at a frustratingly slow pace behind the offending bag occasionally sighing almost loud enough to be heard.

Despite the naysayers, Keane was heard on the phone to her boyfriend on the Gatwick Express dubbing the new bag 'a godsend' and remarking that she 'didn't know why it took me so long to get one.' This news will come as a big blow to Blakely and Piraz, who are yet to comment.

Thursday, 18 November 2010

Obama desperate to shut Guantanamo Bay after terrible feedback forms

Angry US President Barack Obama is on the brink of closing down the Guantanamo Bay detainment facility after feedback forms revealed that nearly 75 percent of inmates wouldn't recommend the camp to a friend travelling to the region.

The semi-legal holding facility was built in 2002 to allow the Bush Administration to keep people locked up indefinitely while they worked out whether they had actually done anything wrong.

President Obama plans to move the prison to Illinois after being stung by terrible recent reviews of the camp.

The food at Guantanamo was rated as 'moderate', but service was slated as 'disappointing' and decor was overwhelmingly said to be 'poor'.

Other inmates felt aggrieved at broken promises after reading the camp's glossy pamphlet.

"There's no wi-fi access, my room is small and dingy and waterboarding was not at all what I expected it to be," one prisoner raged.

"I'm getting daily beatings, harassment and degradation, but I just feel I'd get the same thing if I went to live in Alabama."

Guantanamo Bay currently ranks #280 of 282 hotels, B&Bs and torture camps on Trip Advisor.

Wednesday, 17 November 2010

Royals urged to have 'nice registry office wedding'

There is growing pressure on Prince William to avoid spending taxpayers' money on his upcoming wedding to Kate Middleton by settling for a ceremony at the register office in Slough and a 'small do' at the nearby Black Swan pub.

While the bill for Prince Charles and Diana's wedding in 1981 ran into the millions, the recent economic downturn has left the nation less willing to fund other people's nuptials, even if they belong to a now-obsolete ruling family.

Rumours suggest that William has taken the public's mood on board and already begun to make enquiries at the Slough register office where every wedding comes with a six-pack of Carlsberg.

The mooted venue for the glamorous reception is the Black Swan pub where owner Ken has promised to put on 'a lovely spread', including but not limited to sausage rolls, cheese and pineapple on a stick and cheese footballs if he can find them in Lidl.

Prince Phillip has already made a start on his speech with sources reporting that the 89-year-old has some 'killer material'.

While taxpayers may not be expected to foot the entire cost of the wedding, it looks likely that they will be expected to give a wedding gift. The royals have set up a gift list on John Lewis' website with 26,765,211 items. The set of kitchen towels and pyrex punch bowl have already been snapped up.

Monday, 15 November 2010

ITV execs watch Channel 4 at 5pm, come up with great new idea for show

ITV execs have revealed that the idea for new show 'Dinner Date' developed organically while watching Channel 4's 'Come Dine With Me' - an existing, identical and superior programme.

Four years of extensive focus groups commissioned by ITV recently revealed that humans have an attachment to food with over 80 percent admitting they have eaten in the last 10 days or are planning to eat in the near future.

This knowledge has led to an explosion in the number of cookery shows on TV. There are currently 400 food-based programmes, while there are plans to shoehorn low-level cookery into traditionally non-food based shows, such as Newsnight and Songs of Praise.

The BBC's experiment with Catch of the Day last Saturday was hailed as a great success with Mark Lawrenson's Spanish-style Hake and Shellfish Stew rustled together during an indictment of Manchester City's profligate strike force rated a particular highlight.

Keen to get in on the act, ITV chiefs were asked to look for a fresh approach and to come up with a novel cookery show. After a half-hour long meeting held at 5pm on a Friday evening in front of a TV tuned to Channel 4, the concept of 'Dinner Date' was created.

The treatment was immediately given the green light by the same astute commissioning chiefs who agreed to place 'Im a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here' and 'Celebrity Juice'.

At just 21 words, the treatment was shorter than average but significantly longer than the successful pitch for 'The Only Way Is Essex.'

"You know that show 'Come Dine With Me'? Well, this is basically that but there's sort of some dating and stuff," it reads.

ITV are said to be thrilled by the show's early ratings and an insider has revealed that they have high hopes for another programme where a group of contestants are placed inside a house and TV cameras monitor them 24-hours a day with one evicted every week by public vote.

Friday, 12 November 2010

House-clearance vase raises £43m, pretty serviceable pool table find overshadowed

The British media are enthusiastically reporting the £43m sale of a an 18th-century Chinese vase found in a house clearing in Pinner, but the antique's former owners feel the rest of the day's discoveries have been skirted over.

The brother and sister who inherited the vase today issued a statement in which they described their shock at the vast value of the vase and disappointment at the poor performance of other items in yesterday's auction at Bainbridges.

"We were obviously over the moon that the vase went for over £40m. I think it's fair to say we had expected much less than that. We'd had the vase up on Gumtree for a few weeks at significantly less than that and had no calls," the statement begins.

"But on the other hand we found a really decent old pool table that only needs a little work and that only raised £60. We thought it deserved much more, if you sand down the back legs a little it'll play fine. I've seen worse tables go for £150 even £200,

"We were pretty excited when we found a sandwich toaster that had hardly been used and a bag of pogs, but they've barely sold for anything, so obviously that's taken the shine off things a little."

The bid of £43m for the vase was nearly 100 times the estimated value pre-auction prompting concerns that it may be fraudulent. However, the buyer has reassured Bainbridges that he is 'good for the money' and will pay 'in a bit once the old cash flow situation eases off.'

Thursday, 11 November 2010

Police amazed as pissed off mob cause damage to things

The Met Police were completely caught off guard yesterday as a mob of angry students, quite angry students and fans of smashing sounds ran amok at the Conservatives' HQ, breaking windows, burning placards and de-alphabetising a stack of folders.

About 30,000 people marched in London to protest against the government's decision to lift the cap on university tuition fees to £9,000 - a move that would deny higher education to anyone not in possession of a Jack Wills cardigan.

Many students felt aggrieved at having backed the Liberal Democrats in the General Election on the basis of their promise not to raise tuition fees; a promise that Nick Clegg has insisted shouldn't be taken seriously because 'nobody ever thought the Lib Dems would actually get in.'

A splinter faction of rioters went in search of the Lib Dem HQ, but were unable to find it after several hours of trekking around Westminster with an iPhone.

The protest initially went off peacefully, but police were aghast when a group of around 2,000 began to hurl missiles at Conservative HQ at 30 Millbank.

"Whoever heard of students getting rowdy and smashing things," policing minister Nick Herbert lamented. "I'd specifically told the Met Police not to expect any trouble."

Reports from Conservative HQ have estimated the damage at around £50,000, mostly in bland mid-priced European art, but the devastation goes much deeper than that.

"The rioters turned over several folders of documents that had been agonisingly put in alphabetical order," an insider told Extra Nonsense.

"It looks like we were lucky because A through G has stayed relatively intact, but H to R is a disaster zone."

Nearby MI5 even had to lock its doors, a rare security measure for the nation's counter-intelligence and security service.

Policing chief Nick Herbert met with criticism earlier this year when he refused to send officers to deal with a bull in a Twickenham china shop, stating that 'it looked like a reasonable chap.'