Tuesday, 23 November 2010

500th extrasolar planet is 'pretty much the same as 8th, 35th, 167th, 245th, 376th, 411th, 489th'

Jaded scientists announce discovery of 'another fucking useless ball of gas'

French astronomers have sulkily declared the discovery of the 500th planet outside our solar system, but warned that it's 'nothing to write home about.'

Since the beginning of time, man has yearned to find an intellectually superior alien civilisation and be destroyed by it.

This dream has faded somewhat in recent years as the search for intelligent life has gone further and further afield. The latest discovery lies around 150 light years away and can't even be considered commutable from Jupiter.

While scientists have managed to remain positive for decades, the hard work in locating an endless string of identical, unreachable, uninhabitable planets seems to have finally taken its toll.

"We are proud to announce the discovery of the 500th planet outside our solar system," Jean Schneider of the Paris-Meudon Observatory began this afternoon.

"Well, I say that but actually we couldn't be more ambivalent to it. You know the story by now; big old ball of gas, fucking long way away, no aliens, no point. You remember the 8th, 35th, 167th, 245th, 376th, 411th and 489th extrasolar planets? Same thing.

"And you know what, it's no oil painting either. Ugly bastard is No. 500. It's not like the good old days of Pluto and Neptune. Now those are planets you wouldn't mind being locked in an orbit cycle with," Schneider concluded gyrating bawdily.

Surly scientists stopped naming extrasolar planets after the 345th (Bruce) located in the constellation of Octans.

1 comment:

  1. Pretty good, I liked the orange title--but expected a demotion joke when we got to Pluto. I also thought mentioning the astronomers' nationality so early was, although now that I think about it in keeping with how real articles are actually written, just a setup for French philosophical jokes that weren't really necessary. Still, good stuff.