The semi-legal holding facility was built in 2002 to allow the Bush Administration to keep people locked up indefinitely while they worked out whether they had actually done anything wrong.
President Obama plans to move the prison to Illinois after being stung by terrible recent reviews of the camp.
The food at Guantanamo was rated as 'moderate', but service was slated as 'disappointing' and decor was overwhelmingly said to be 'poor'.
Other inmates felt aggrieved at broken promises after reading the camp's glossy pamphlet.
"There's no wi-fi access, my room is small and dingy and waterboarding was not at all what I expected it to be," one prisoner raged.
"I'm getting daily beatings, harassment and degradation, but I just feel I'd get the same thing if I went to live in Alabama."
Guantanamo Bay currently ranks #280 of 282 hotels, B&Bs and torture camps on Trip Advisor.